Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
