My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
