I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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