wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
