I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
