I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
