Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Can I color on your dick again?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
