then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
