Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
