I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
