Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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