just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
