I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
