that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
