this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
there's paper in my vomit.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
