Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
