Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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