that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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