my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
