Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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