What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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