i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
