how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
