at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
