So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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