wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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