She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
