Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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