Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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