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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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