proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I AM VODKA MAN
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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