3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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