and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
