He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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