Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
