Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
