So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
