im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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