Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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