Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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