life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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