he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
