i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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