I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
