Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
