so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
