You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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