Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
