just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
