I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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