you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
